TEIHSVPDOSAKATFE
by RRP
Summary: Translation of title: The Extremely Informative, Highly Secret, Very Personal Diary of Sauron, AKA The Flaming Eyeball
1. The First Page of My New Book

Disclaimer: Don't own him. I don't own Dr. Bimboo either.   
A/N: Dr. Bimboo is mentioned in Signs, as the author of Morgan's (Rory Culkin) book. Explains a lot. Short and sweet and sour, the entries and the total length. Maybe more if it's popular enough. Flaming Eyeball because of what Sauron is. See the movie. Read the book. Dedicated to Sauron764, who needed a reason for the numbers in his name.

**The Extremely Informative, Highly Secret, Very Personal Diary of Sauron, AKA The Flaming Eyeball**

_by rrp_

Diary Entry 764: No success in finding the ring. Have heard from Nazgul 9 that it may be in the possession of a hoppit thing named Baggins. Wonder how he got it? Idiot Ilsidur. Men are so strange.  
  
Diary Entry 765: Ring found. A Baggins named Hoppit or something like that. Nazgul 9 was right. I must promote him to Nazgul 8 or something. I miss my body...  
  
Diary Entry 766: Sent the Nazgul out. Promoted 9 to 8. 8's mad about being 9 again. The Hoppit was trying to run. The seeing stone came on today, but I think the cable's broken. It was all fuzzy, and I couldn't get a good channel.   
  
Diary Entry 767: The Seeing Stone thing is working again. Some incompetent minion called Sarumon wants to talk to me. Idiot. Keeps calling the hoppits 'hobbits'. And his name is so a spin off of mine. Copycat.   
  
Diary Entry 768: I'm bored. Being an eyeball isn't any fun. The Orcs insist on cooking onions, and I need Visine, but no one's listening. I asked an Orc who passed by today if he had any eye drops, and he laughed. My eye hurts.  
  
Diary Entry 769:-(or96?) I hate being dyslexic. No word from the Nazgul. I bet they're drunk somewhere. The Hoppits are still on the lose. I wonder if Hoppits are dangerous? I think my eye caught fire the other day. My eyelid is gone  
  
Diary Entry 800: New numbers! Anyway, my eye is still on fire. I finally managed to get some Visine, but the stuff says 'Flammable' on the package. Darn. Too late. No word from the Nazgul. I wish the Orcs would stop cooking onions.  
  
Diary Entry 801: Finally got back in contact with Dr. Bimboo, my Shrink. He says the flaming eye thing is how I deal with being a stereotyped Dark Lord. I say it's how I deal with being Visineless. The Seeing Stone is fuzzy again.  
  
Diary Entry 802: Finally read Dr. Bimboo's book on aliens. I think I'm going to fire him. He's more insane than me. Maybe I should feed him to the hoppits. I wonder if hoppits eat shrinks?  
  
Diary Entry 773: Dr. Bimboo found this book, and said that I can't skip from 769 to 800, even if I like 8 better. I told him I should get a phone number. 1-888-SAURON. He said he'd think about it.  
  
Diary Entry 774: Dr. Bimboo says the Nazgul are busy looking for the hoppits. He also says that hoppits aren't dangerous. I don't believe him. And besides, who exactly is the huge flaming eyeball around here? Not him!  
  
Diary Entry 775: Dr. Bimboo is giving the Orcs Anger Management Classes. I don't think it's going too well.  
  
Diary Entry 776: I heard a scream the other day, and I haven't heard from Dr. Bimboo since. I can only assume the best. Dr. Bimboo is gone. Waiting for an Orc to walk by, so I can ask him.  
  
Diary Entry 777: I've finally decided that Sarumon may actually be useful. Dr. Bimboo is really dead, and the Nazgul say that they've seen the hoppits. It's looking like a good day.


	2. The Second Page of My New Book

Disclaimer: Still don't own them.  
A/N: Thanks for the reviews! Here's some more! Hope you like them! Cheers! Still dedicated to Sauron764. 

**The Extremely Informative, Highly Secret, Very Personal Diary of Sauron, AKA The Flaming Eyeball**

_by rrp_

Diary Entry 778: Nazgul 3 came today and told me that they almost got a hoppit. It escaped, with the help of some man named StrideRight, or something. Stupid man to be named after shoes. 

Diary Entry 779: Nazgul 3 left, but Nazgul 8 came back with a headache. He says he needs aspirin, I told him to knock himself out. I think he took me literally. I heard him moan a minute ago.

Diary Entry 780: Nazgul 8 has pneumonia. He says it's from the water. I asked him what water, and he told me never mind, long story. Like I have anything else to do. But I let him go to sleep.

Diary Entry 781: Saw Dr. Bimboo's ghost today. It scared me and I screamed. Nazgul 8 told me to shutup, because his head still hurt. I blinked at him, and he's been out for a few hours.

Diary Entry 782: Nazgul 8 joined the others again. He said he was feeling better, but he was limping when he left. I think he's just scared of me. Good. I'm the big flaming eyeball around here. 

Diary Entry 783: Dr. Bimboo's ghost was sighted by some Orcs today. They screamed louder than I did. I laughed at them all morning, and they cooked onions to annoy me. My eye really hurts. 

Diary Entry 784: The hoppits got away and are with those darned elves. I'm mad at the Nazgul, and they haven't even noticed. I tried blinking at them, like I did to 8, but my eyelash got stuck on the top of the tower. They all laughed, and went off to search for a music channel on the Seeing Stone. All I've heard since then is rock music. I was going to watch, but Nazgul 1 said it would scare me. I didn't believe him, but he heard from some Orc about Dr. Bimboo, and said that they were playing old clips of interviews with him. I decided not to watch. 

Diary Entry 785: Sarumon contacted me again today. The Nazgul were watching L. Rond on the Seeing Stone (you know, the one where he says, "Rond. L. Rond.") when Sarumon used his remote remote (does that make sense?) and said he needed to talk to me. Turns out all he wanted was something to do, and I used my Deep Scary Voice that always makes that little Orc that has night duty on the left gate squeal, and told him, "Build me an army worthy of Mordor!". I thought it sounded cool, but 4 and 5 said it didn't make sense because Mordor still doesn't have a lot of worth. I replied that we would, in that case, get a wimpy army and get to laugh at Sarumon. They liked that idea, so they shutup. Either that, or they were afraid I'd blink at them if they said anything more. I'm otherwise very bored, and my entries are getting longer. I just noticed that. 

Diary Entry 786: No time to write much. The Elves are having a council in Rivendell (2 calls it 'RivenHell'. I agree with him), and 1 is going to turn on that Seeing Stone 7 threw in the tree above the Council Circle when he was pretending to be a Ranger. Got to go. It's about to start. 

Diary Entry 787: The hoppits don't really look dangerous. StrideRight is really the King of Gondor. I was wondering what had happened to him. They set up a Fellow Ship to throw the ring away, but they are remarkably stupid. They can't use a ship! There's no ocean to sail over to get here! That buys us some time, anyway. I may get the Orcs to put that economy cap on Mount Doom (the one I bought last year to convert the flames into energy). That way they can't get in. 

Diary Entry 788: Ever since the Council, something's been bothering me, and I finally found out what it was. Dad's old friend, Gil-Galad, wasn't there. I miss Uncle Gil. I wonder what ever happened to him? He's probably dead. Oh well. 

Diary Entry 789: I'm so bored. I wanted to call up Sarumon, and tell him my Big Secret, about the Ring not really being powerful, but Nazgul 1 said that that wasn't a very good idea. 1 is smart, so I listened to him. My eye keeps hurting, and I think the Orcs are cooking onions again. Either that, or 4 and 5 found my stash of Salt and Vinegar chips. 

Diary Entry 790: Jendkskeil andilshie ehwpwiqndp aniepnghisnl indiah ienland idds lsi nai apppa neinwl iahliwneil llllll..............870932840*)&*)&jnal21jn3840u  
**DIARY ENTRY 790a: This is Nazgul 1. Sauron was babbling this morning, and I convinced some Orcs to check his temperature. It's pretty high. The Orcs fell off the ladder screaming about fire. Poor fool. I'll get 9 to rally some Orcs and buckets of water. Hopefully he'll be okay soon. **

Diary Entry 800: To heck with Dr. Bimboo. I don't feel well, and 800 is easier to remember than whatever number I was on last. 1 found my diary, and wrote in it. I guess I don't mind, since he just wrote what was going on. I want my body. And my blankie. And my mommy. My eyeball hurts, and I can't sleep. 


End file.
